Something I wrote sometime back, of course didn’t post. Here I am, here we are.

You ever look at a picture of yourself and see a stranger in the background? It makes you wonder how many strangers have pictures of you, how many moments of other peoples lives have we been in, were we a part of someone’s life when their dreams came true, or were we there when their dreams died. Did we keep trying to get in, as if we were somehow destined to be there, or did the shot take us by surprise. Just think, you could be a big part of someone else’s life, and not even know it.

Sometimes I feel I am the most emotional, wanna-be-loved, cry baby ever born on this planet. Wat the hell, I am sure I have a lot of competition out there.

I have been awfully silent for quite some time now, refusing the drinks, even the smokes*. One who always believed in making spontaneous decisions, without bothering to measure himself against the opportunity, now rests, thinking, puzzled by the nothingness. It’s not the sadness, definitely not the regrets, but the sense of loneliness and all the staring at the fan while falling asleep every single night.

Tennessee Williams once wrote, “When so many are lonely as seem to be lonely, it would be an inexcusably selfish to be lonely alone.”

I have had my share of being alone (that’s not loneliness), all the free time, being myself, thinking about anything and everything. One might think staying alone can turn into a habit, but it’s not one of those things which grows on you, but, loneliness is. The beauty of being lonely is it has nothing to do with other people, even if they are lonely too.

E.E. Cummings once wrote, ‘Be nobody but yourself in a world which is doing its best night and day to make you everybody else. It means to fight the hardest battle which any human being can fight and never stop fighting.’

It’s always the surroundings. Things you like, love, hate, betray, enjoy, envy, not just that, even the things which make you love or hate, enjoy or suffer. Brain hurts the heart, laying all those paths of possibilities, the ones you always thought are not meant for you and questioning the ones you took with all your heart or may I say brain?

I came across someone, energetic, funny, straightforward, worst of all, sounds/thinks like myself – as 3 years ago and then I just wondered for a while, for a lot of while. The way they define a stranger, its hard to find one.

I have always found happiness in tiny goals and great friends. I have not run out of happYness or friends or love, I am not going all crazy crazy, I am just going through this thing called “relatively unhappy”. I have had a great set of people around me always and growing, but sometimes and somethings tend to leave me alone, for good, for great, I suppose. I am an extremist, thinking out loud, acting out loud and I can go far enough to say, its not bad to feel sad, alone, you v/s the world for a little part of your life, to reminisce the rest.

I am making some promises to self, good ones. I could have done it earlier, but I never thought about them, well seriously enough.  Its not so much about making the promises but the reasons which led to it. Just to be grateful, say for a change, for himself – as 3 years ago.

It was all ok, not so great. I went through a lot this past year, great experiences, knowing who I am, and what I want, more than ever and now into some more decision making which is what is making me write this crappy post. This is not me, this is not what I want to be, writing my own philosophy. Though I want to write my book, my life - only because of who were around me, “t0t4| |nt3Rn4L R3F|3Ct|0n Of R34L|tY”.

*No Man ! When I watched Yes Man, I realized how far have I come from saying No, I was always the guy who would say No when he wants to say No, no fking formalities, that is one reason why so many people hate my guts so badly. In short, off the drinks, off the smoke (ok just a couple for a few more days). I don’t like saying “I won’t, I will never etc.” One should never say so. Yes Man reminded me of recalling that there is always an option.

Earlier I blamed ’staring at the fan’, it was then last night I wrote this in my head …

Peace Brother.